Thirteen Characteristics Of Adult Children
(As written by Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D.)
The purpose of this page is to provide a "self check-up" or
"checklist" of potential emotional issues to see if there are any
areas in your life that you may want to improve. If you understand the statement that
"We don't know what we
don't know", this page can help you realize
areas within you that you may not have been aware of, so that you may then
decide to work on and improve. While there are many other lists like this that
are beneficial, I've found this list is good because the book written around
these characteristics is good at helping you to learn how to overcome any of
these shortcomings. This can help you towards a goal of improving your emotional
well-being, which can help you have a
more positive life.
Unless you grew up in a perfectly emotionally healthy family, you may have one or more
of these characteristics
The following is a list is taken directly from the book. Some people:
1. Guess at what normal behavior is.
2. Have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.
3. Lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
4. Judge themselves without mercy.
5. Have difficulty having fun.
6. Take themselves very seriously.
7. Have difficulty with intimate relationships.
8. Overreact to changes over which they have no control.
9. Constantly seek approval and affirmation.
10. Usually feel that they are different from other people.
11. Are super responsible or super irresponsible.
12. Are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is
13. Are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action
without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible
consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self-loathing, and loss of
control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of
energy cleaning up the mess.
If you read this list, and find yourself thinking, "What's wrong with
that characteristic, it sounds fine to me?", then you can find a clear
answer to the problems with that characteristic by reading her book.
Janet's New York Times Bestseller book, Adult Children of Alcoholics is available
One of the great attributes of the
book is that for each characteristic, you could read, "How you got
it", and then go to another chapter on "How to fix it." Many great solutions!
Many years ago, when I first read this list, I thought the following: 1) I
could identify with some of those characteristics. 2) I didn't like those
characteristics, and I really didn't want to be a person who had those
characteristics through my life.
If you read this list, and you can see some of these characteristics in you,
then I invite you to consider this: Is this something you want to live
with, or would you like to learn how to live a better life? Spending time on
improving emotional strength and knowledge is very similar to staying physically fit through exercise.
I believe that in most cases, parents do try to do the best that they can,
but their parenting job highly depends on the emotional education they were
given or learned on their own.
Remember that even if you are a great parent, it could be harder to teach
your children these characteristics if you work many hours. Education takes
time and effort, but it can really pay off in the long run.
Characteristics like the above are discussed at free
Children of Alcoholics (adultchildren.org) meetings, a 12 Step recovery program for adults
whose lives were affected as a result of being raised in an alcoholic or other
dysfunctional families. I did benefit from going to these
group meetings, but how much you benefit may vary.
Janet points out that adult children can be children of alcoholics or children from
many other types of dysfunctional situations.
Examples include growing up with people who had other compulsive behaviors (such
as gambling, drug abuse, workaholic, overeating), experienced chronic illness,
profound religious attitudes, were adopted, lived in foster care, lived with
divorced parents, etc.
After reading this list, you may identify with some of these
characteristics, and you may at first find it a bit overwhelming. It's important
to realize you are not the only one. Go to a few Adult
Children of Alcoholics (adultchildren.org) meetings, and you are likely to feel comfort in
knowing you're not the only one, and you be with people who want to grow past