The best relationships have
Honest, Open, Loving,
Two-way communications that focus on how you feel about the topic.
While there are lots of important skills we need to learn for having the best
relationships, with my current ,
if I had to pick just one group of skills needed for building a
closer, more intimate relationship as well as solving relationship issues, I
People need (if they haven't already) to learn the skills and practice honest, open, loving, two-waycommunications
that focus on how youfeel about the topic.
For some people, it may seem hard to be honest to someone all the time. Maybe
you don't want to hurt their feelings. Maybe it's because you didn't grow up
in the "perfect family." According to Janet Woititz, Ed.D, people who
grew up in dysfunctional families may have learned to "Lie
when it would be just as easy to tell the truth."
And I think
that is more plausible if you understand that through "learning methods" such as mirror
we can be taught dishonesty, sometimes without us even being aware it!
(See mirror neurons.) Dishonesty
could also be learned
models, including media.
Mark Twain said "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember
anything." Walter Scott said "O, what a tangled web we weave when we
first practice to deceive!" Plato said that "beauty is the splendor of
truth." Inner beauty is goodness, and inner goodness is beauty. The truth is, if you listen
to your heart, except in rare cases, as hard as it may sometimes appear
(due to poor lessons); in the long run, I think you will find that honesty really is the best policy. And
the best personal relationships include authentic
honesty from both parties, something that some people do not know about or
choose to not undertake in their lives.
By open I mean "full disclosure", or "opening your door" to
how you really feel about the topic. Openness requires trust. Both parties
should build the trust in a relationship by being honest. Now in some rare
cases, "full disclosure" may not be the best decision. When deciding
what to discuss, don't forget about being
Even if you're angry about an issue, blaming someone is just
pointing the finger. In a simple example, let's say your initial thoughts are "I'm angry that
they never close the door." If your initial feeling is anger, pause and
think about why are you actually angry. Maybe it's because you feel undervalued
because you have asked before and the other person said they would do it. The
important thing is to figure out what is the root reason why your initial
reaction is anger, and to say it in a loving way. Unlike fear or anger, Love will build a stronger,
happier, more fulfilling relationship over time. (See also: "Love"
in Loving Relationships.)
One way to look at close relationships in your life is to realize that most likely you
may love a person, but it is easy to agree that you do
not like some of their behaviors. Don't focus on the problem; focus on solutions
regarding the behaviors and your reaction to the behaviors. Wisdom makes a big
difference. The other day a friend of mine pointed me to a site that offers a
very unconventional marriage ceremony videowebpage (theschooloflife.com)
where as part of the ceremony they exchange childhood pictures of themselves.
Isn't it true that if you look at most very young children who are not born
with a mental challenge, they are happy, joyful and seem full of love? (The
obvious exceptions are if they are hungry, tired, or have a dirty diaper!) If
you add that to the truth that just
about everything in life is learned, including both poor behaviors and lack
of acceptance, doesn't it make sense to focus on how to learn from mistakes in
order to gain better behaviors and/or acceptance? Remember, both parties started out as children, so I invite you to
consider focusing on solutions with a positive approach. Commit to learning how
to do this. Realize that to not learn and thus to "not know" is called ignorance.
When a child is first born, depending on the needs of the newborn, the
parents may experience a few days, weeks (or more) of very poor sleeping
patterns. Sleep deprivation was used by some military as a form of torture. When
I find out that a couple is about to have their first child, if the opportunity
exists, I will say to them: "Remember, at one time you both loved each
other." The same applies here. As Harry said in a night court
"You know, if I didn’t know you two so well, I would say you’re in love!"
I had a close friend who was a divorce attorney, and he said he always tried
hard to get the parties to work out their difficulties before he would help them
Two-waycommunications that focus on how you feel about the
Some people learned to be bosses in their work; some may have learned
to be "bosses" through other role
models. A boss tells other people what to do. Some people "require"
or "desire" direction from others.
An example of "require" is if they are incapable of making
decisions in their lives, or it is in the best interest of the person to be
guided, such is common in parent child relationships.
An example of "desire" is that some people may want someone else be the "boss" (a head of household is an
example) in a relationship. And if that really is what both
parties want, then that's all good.
Now here is something that you may find to be an interesting thought. As
children, we typically have "bosses" called parents or caregivers. Their role is to keep us
from running out into the street so we don't get hit by a car and killed. Good
thing! But besides teaching safety, another important goal of
parents is to teach their children how to take care of themselves and how to
prosper in their life. And that means they need to learn how to have honest two-way
communications, and learn how to discuss and negotiate towards the best outcome
(hopefully a win-win) because that is needed when they try to have intimate
relationships with significant others.
But in a typical personal relationship, if one side is wants to communicate, and the other side won't discuss it,
then I invite you to think about why not. Some possible reasons include:
person is not treating the other as an equal. Maybe the work "boss" hat needs to stay at
If any of these types of issues are harming your
relationship, consider various actions such as seeking a mediator or counselor.
Communications focus on how you feel about the topic
This is equally important to eliminating the "blame game," or
the finger." Professional therapists say when you discuss topics, it's important
to "FOCUS on how YOU FEELabout
the topic"; remembering all the key factors already discussed above, such as
keeping it loving. If you're not used to it, figuring out how you feel and how to
express it in a loving way may take some thinking before you have the
discussion. (See also: TheCouplesCenter.org)
It may take some time to think about what and how best to say what you want
to talk about, before you
have the conversation. But don't wait too long. When I was young, my neighbor
had some horses, and one day I got bucked off. I was scared. To this day, I
still remember how
scared I was laying on the ground, on my back, looking up at this huge heavy horse. I
was thinking "this heavy horse could step on me and crush my stomach so
My neighbor said to me: "Cowboys would say that if
you get bucked off of a horse, don't wait long before you get back on."
think he offered good advice, and I am glad I got back on in a couple days. I
think this message also can be applied to relationship "issues." It's important to
talk about the issue and try to resolve the issue as soon as it
makes sense, instead of letting the issue "fester", or as I've heard
from someone else: "it's like letting cement harden over time." On top
of that, the issue can "grow" over time, and be even harder to
This principal of not waiting too long is also in alignment with
what most professionals say with regards to the false saying "time
heals all wounds." Yes, a short amount of time may help for example to
clear your head, but its only action
that really makes any changes, so don't wait too long.
I believe, that in the end, these common sense principals' help all concerned
live a better, more positive, loving life.
As mentioned above, there are lots of resources on relationships, with lots of
viewpoints on what they see as important skills. It would be impossible to list
them all, but here are just a couple other views: