|By David Morgan, inspired by All One|
(Rough Draft - Last changed 9 days ago.)
The best relationships have honest, open, loving, two-way communications that focus on how you feel about the topic.
While there are lots of important skills we need to learn for having the best relationships, with my current , if I had to pick just one group of skills needed for building a closer, more intimate relationship as well as solving relationship issues, I would say:
People need (if they haven't already) to learn the skills and practice honest, open, loving, two-way communications that focus on how you feel about the topic.
For some people, it may seem hard to be honest to someone all the time. Maybe you don't want to hurt someone's feelings. Maybe it's because you didn't grow up in the "perfect family." According to Janet Woititz, Ed.D., people who grew up in dysfunctional families may have learned to Lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. And I think that is more plausible if you understand that through "learning methods" such as mirror neurons we can be taught dishonesty, sometimes without us even being aware it! (See mirror neurons.) Dishonesty could also be learned though role models, including media.
But the truth is, if you listen to your heart, except in rare cases, as hard as it may sometimes appear (due to poor lessons); in the long run, I think you will find that honesty really is the best policy. And the best personal relationships include authentic honesty.
By open I mean "full disclosure", or "opening your door" to how you really feel about the topic. Openness requires trust. Both parties should build the trust in a relationship by being honest. Now in some rare cases, "full disclosure" may not be the best decision. When deciding what to discuss, don't forget about being honest with yourself.
Even if you're angry about an issue, blaming someone is just pointing the finger. In a simple example, let's say your initial thoughts are "I'm angry that they never close the door." If your initial feeling is anger, pause and think about why are you actually angry. Maybe it's because you feel undervalued because you have asked before and the other person said they would do it. The important thing is to figure out what is the root reason why your initial reaction is anger, and to say it in a loving way. Unlike fear or anger, Love will build a stronger, happier, more fulfilling relationship over time.
Some people learned to be bosses in their work; some may have learned to be "bosses" through other role models. A boss tells other people what to do. Some people "require" or "desire" direction from others.
An example of "require" is if they are incapable of making decisions in their lives, or it is in the best interest of the person to be guided, such as in a parent child relationship.
An example of "desire" is that some people may want someone else be the "boss" (a head of household is an example) in a relationship. And if that really is what both parties want, then that's all good.
Now here is something that you may find to be an interesting thought. As children, we have "bosses" called parents. Their role is to keep us from running out into the street so we don't get hit by a car and killed. Good thing! But besides teaching safety, another important goal of parents is to teach their children how to take care of themselves and how to prosper in their life. And that means they need to learn how to have honest two-way communications, and learn how to discuss and negotiate towards the best outcome (hopefully a win-win) because that is needed when they try to have intimate relationships with significant others.
But in a typical personal relationship, if one side is wants to communicate, and the other side won't discuss it, then I invite you to consider thinking about why not.
Maybe someone made a mistake, maybe the work "boss" hat needs to stay at work, or maybe one person is are not treating the other as an equal. If the issue is harming your relationship, then consider various actions such as seeking a mediator or counselor.
that focus on how you feel about the topic.
This is equally important to eliminating the "blame game," or "pointing the finger". Professional therapists say when you discuss topics, "focus on how YOU feel about the topic"; remembering all the key factors already discussed above, such as keeping it loving. If you're not used to it, figuring out how you feel and how to express it in a loving way may take some thinking before you have the discussion. (see also from TheCouplesCenter.org)
It may take some time to think about what and how best to say what you want to talk about, before you have the conversation. But don't wait too long. When I was young, my neighbor had some horses, and one day I got bucked off. I was scared. To this day, I still remember how scared I was laying on the ground, on my back, looking up at this huge heavy horse. I was thinking "this heavy horse could step on me and crush my stomach so easily." My neighbor said to me: "Cowboys would say that if you get bucked off of a horse, don't wait long before you get back on."
I think he offered good advice, and I am glad I got back on in a couple days. I think this message also can be applied to relationship "issues." It's important to talk about the issue and try to resolve the issue as soon as it makes sense, instead of letting the issue "fester", or as I've heard from someone else: "it's like letting cement harden over time." On top of that, the issue can "grow" over time, and be even harder to resolve.
This principal of not waiting too long is also in alignment with what most professionals say with regards to the old saying "Time Heals All Wounds." Yes, a short amount of time may help for example to clear your head, but its only action that really makes any changes, so don't wait too long.
I believe, that in the end, these common sense principals' help all concerned live a better, more positive, loving life.
As mentioned above, there are lots of resources on relationships, with lots of viewpoints on what they see as important skills. It would be impossible to list them all, but here are just a couple other views:
Thank you for reading this!
This page updated 04/15/18 06:26 PM