The best relationships have
Honest, Open, Loving,
Two-way communications that focus on how you feel about the topic.
Note: Relationship skills apply to anyone you
communicate with. The above video of a couple is included here as an example.
While there are many important skills needed for having the best
relationships, relationship counselors tend to list common skills needed for building
closer, more intimate
relationships as well as solving relationship issues.
These skills include honest, open, loving, two-waycommunications
that focus on how youfeel about the topic.
Honest
For some people, it may seem hard to be honest to someone depending on the
issue at the time. Maybe
you don't want to hurt their feelings. Maybe it's because you didn't grow up
in the "perfect family." According to Janet Woititz, Ed.D, people who
grew up in alcoholic and/or dysfunctional families may have learned to "Lie
when it would be just as easy to tell the truth." As discussed in the
book, this can happen for many reasons. One of the core issues was that they
were brought up in a family where members were not allowed to, or feared to talk,
trust, or feel (google). It could also be because family members didn't have
the relationship skills that supported healthy, honest, loving communication.
Why does that affect people as adults? I think if you understand that through "learning methods" such as mirror
neurons
we can be taught
dishonesty through role models, sometimes without us even being aware it!
Mark Twain said, "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember
anything." Walter Scott said, "O, what a tangled web we weave when we
first practice to deceive!" Donald, at the YMCA said, "You always feel
better when you do the right thing." Plato said, "Beauty is the splendor of
truth." Inner goodness, from the heart, is beauty.
The truth is, if you listen
to your heart, except in rare cases, as hard as it may sometimes appear; in the end, you will find that honesty really is the best policy.
In addition, the best personal relationships include authentic
honesty from both parties, something that some people do not know about or
choose not to undertake in their lives.
Open
By open I mean "full disclosure", or "opening your door" to
how you really feel about the topic. Why is this issue really
on your mind? Openness requires trust. Both parties
should build the trust in a relationship by being honest. Now in some rare
cases, "full disclosure" may not be the best decision. When deciding
what to discuss, don't forget about being
honest with
yourself.
Loving
Even if you're angry with an issue, blaming someone is just
pointing the finger. In a simple example, let's say your initial thoughts are "I'm angry that
they never close the door." If your initial feeling is anger, pause and
think about why are you actually angry. Maybe it's because you feel undervalued
because you have asked before and the other person said they would do it. The
important thing is to figure out what is the root reason why your initial
reaction is anger, and to say it in a loving way. Unlike fear or anger, Love will build a stronger,
happier, more fulfilling relationship over time. See also "Love"
in Loving Relationships.
One way to look at close relationships in your life is to realize that most likely you
may love a person, but it is easy to understand that you may not like some of their behaviors.
Don't focus on the problem; focus on solutions
regarding the behaviors and your reaction to the behaviors. Wisdom can help you
learn and understand a healthy approach. The other day a friend of mine pointed me to a site that offers a
very unconventional marriage ceremony videowebpage (theschooloflife.com)
where as part of the ceremony they exchange childhood pictures of themselves.
Isn't it true that if you look at most very young children who are not born
with a mental challenge, they are happy, joyful and seem full of love? (The
obvious exceptions are if they are hungry, tired, or have a dirty diaper!) If
you add that to the truth that just
about everything in life is learned, including poor behaviors and lack
of acceptance, doesn't it make sense to focus on how to learn from mistakes in
order to gain better behaviors and/or acceptance? Remember, both parties started out as children, so I invite you to
consider focusing on solutions with a positive approach. Commit to learning how
to do this. Realize that to not learn and thus to "not know" is called ignorance.
When a child is first born, depending on the needs of the newborn, the
parents may experience a few days, weeks (or more) of very poor sleeping
patterns. Sleep deprivation was used by some military as a form of torture. When
I find out that a couple is about to have their first child, if the opportunity
exists, I will say to them, "Remember, at one time you both loved each
other." The same applies in other relationship issues. As Harry said in a night court
episode,
"You know, if I didn’t know you two so well, I would say you’re in love!"
I had a close attorney friend who had clients who wanted to divorce, and he said he always
first tried hard to get the parties to work out their difficulties before he would help them
divorce. That's because he knew that at one time, they both loved each other.
Two-waycommunications that focus on how you feel about the
topic
Two-way communications
Some people learned to be bosses in their work; some may have learned
to be "bosses" through other role
models. A boss tells other people what to do. Some people "require"
or "desire" direction from others.
An example of "require" is if they are incapable of making
decisions in their lives, or it is in the best interest of the person to be
guided, such is common in parent-child relationships.
An example of "desire" is that some people may want someone else be the "boss" (a head of household is an
example) in a relationship. If that really is what both
parties want, then that's all good.
Now here is something that you may find to be an interesting thought. As
children, we typically have "bosses" called parents or caregivers. Their role is to keep us
from running out into the street so we aren't hit by a car and killed. That's a
good lesson! Besides teaching safety, another important goal of
parents is to teach their children how to take care of themselves and how to
prosper in their life. One important skill is to learn is how to have honest two-way
communications, and learn how to discuss and negotiate towards the best outcome
(hopefully a win-win) because that is needed when they try to have intimate
relationships with significant others.
However, in a typical personal relationship, if one side is wants to communicate, and the other side won't discuss it,
then I invite you to think about why not. Some possible reasons include:
One
person is not treating the other as an equal. Maybe the work "boss hat" needs to stay at
work.
Maybe one person does not want to talk about it because they accidentally
or on purpose made a mistake and they don't want to make
amends. See also How
to repair your mistake.
If any of these types of issues are harming your
relationship, consider various actions such as seeking a mediator or counselor.
Communications that focus on how you feel about the topic
This is equally important to eliminating the "blame game," or
"pointing
the finger." Professional therapists say when you discuss topics, it's important
to "FOCUS on how YOU FEELabout
the topic"; remembering all the key factors already discussed above, such as
keeping it loving. If you're not used to it, figuring out how you feel and how to
express it in a loving way may take some thinking before you have the
discussion. See also The
Two Most Important Relationship Skills (thecouplescenter.org).
It may take some time to think about what and how best to say what you want
to talk about, before you
have the conversation. However, don't wait too long. When I was young, my neighbor
had some horses, and one day I got bucked off. I was scared. To this day, I
still remember how
scared I was laying on the ground, on my back, looking up at this huge heavy horse. I
was thinking, "This heavy horse could step on me and crush my stomach so
easily."
My neighbor said to me, "Cowboys would say that if
you get bucked off of a horse, don't wait long before you get back on."
I
think he offered good advice, and I am glad I got back on in a couple days. I
think this message also can be applied to relationship "issues." It's important to
talk about the issue and try to resolve the issue as soon as it
makes sense, instead of letting the issue "fester", or as I've heard
from someone else: "it's like letting cement harden over time." On top
of that, the issue can "grow" over time, and be even harder to
resolve.
This principal of not waiting too long is also in alignment with
what most professionals write concerning the saying that "time
heals all wounds." Yes, a short amount of time may help to
clear your head, but its only action, not time that really makes any changes, so don't wait too long.
I believe, that in the end, these common sense principals' help all concerned
live a better, more positive, loving life.
As mentioned above, there are many resources on relationships, with lots of
viewpoints on what they see as important skills. It would be impossible to list
them all, but here are just a couple other views:
